I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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