my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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