No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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