I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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