I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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