Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
