if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
