so explain again why im purple
no
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
