Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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