Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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