You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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