I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
