so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
