The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Let's paint friendship bongs
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
