The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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