Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
