i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
