I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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