He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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