we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
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You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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