He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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