Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wish you could order shots online.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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