Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Of course I have a pirate flag
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
