a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
