So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
