Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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