ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
