dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
