PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
