Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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