he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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