you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
