Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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