I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
