Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
