Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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