I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
