I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
