so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
