her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I fill condoms, not promises.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
