Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
