____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
