Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
