If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
