I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Randomize
