:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All the doctor said was why
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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