I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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