i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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