New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
