Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
