ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
