i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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