you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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