Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
