What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
