So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
