I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
